Adoption: Supply and Demand

Adoption: Supply and Demand

Soooooo. Anyone else read this post on adoption ethics by Jen Hatmaker? It’s a doozy. Read it. It’s right here, or you can click on the picture below.

Jen writes a post about the ugly side of adoption. The unscrupulous ways business people in 3rd world countries are meeting the US’s demand for adoptable babies and why this is abhorrent. I was going to just link the article to Facebook, but more people need to see this. It breaks my heart, but knowledge is power. Power to think, power to change, and power to BE. I have scores of friends who’ve recently adopted children and I love them all tremendously. Their littles are entirely blessed to be in their forever families and I could never, for even a moment, consider that there was something shifty in their adoptions.  But I see where opportunistic people can create supply for money and it makes my heart so sad.

Tara is a (real life!) friend of mine who blogs at MommyHaha. She posted an essay a while back about her adopted daughter’s first steps and how many mixed emotions were coursing through her. She said something to the effect of how proud she was of her daughter, but how sad she was that her birth mom was missing all these moments. That stopped me in my tracks. I’d never given any thought to what birth moms were missing. For obvious reasons, adoption PR has always focused on the child’s new life. Not the family that was left behind or the circumstances behind it. Tara’s compassion and love for her daughter’s birth mom speaks volumes of her heart and I thought of her immediately when I read Jen’s post. I also thought about how much a post like Jen’s could hurt adoptive parents’ hearts. No one wants to think that the beautiful child they prayed for and loved and brought home could have a mama far away who mourns her decision or ignorance. It’s too terrible to dwell on for long.

And of course I want to stress that this is not always the case. Diligent parents do their homework when adopting and bring home kids without a chance of reunification. But it’s scary to think of the why behind “no reunification”. Do me a favor and read the post. Be informed. Hold space for those coerced or misinformed mamas, and absolutely watch for the second part of Jen’s post.

 

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I dropped the ball

Life has been moving at a frenzied pace. There’s work to do and invoices to send and words to be written. It’s a beautiful cycle, but sometimes things get missed. It just takes one ball you’re juggling to go kattywompus and the whole slew of them crash down. I messed up the juggling balls today. Actually it was a while ago, I just didn’t realize it until today.

Kelle Hampton of Enjoying the Small Things recently released the paperback copy of her endearing and cheeky book Bloom. Over on her Instagram feed, there were requests for the book from mamas who couldn’t afford to splurge on themselves at the moment. Mamas doing without for their babies always tugs at my heart and I quickly arranged to send some books. I ordered them, I packaged them, I addressed them, I even printed shipping labels. All that was left to do was drop them off at the post office and they would be spirited away to 5 different mamas in 4 different countries. Pretty magical when you think about it. Spreading love and Light and stories across the world! That was over a month ago.

I found the packages in my car this weekend. [head hung in shame]

I’m not sure how it happened, but I dropped the ball and now I feel embarrassed. In the midst of life, I shuffled those books to the back of the car and promptly forgot about them. I think the worst part about the whole thing is having to email those mamas and explain why they haven’t received their books. Believe it not, I still haven’t done that. Because you see, in a moment of self preservation, I came up 1,001 stretches of the truth that I could use to invoke sympathy and understanding. It wouldn’t be lying exactly, it would just be explanations other than “I plumb forgot”. Save face, you know? Of course I’m not going to do that. wink wink. 

We’re all human and sometimes we just forget. We get too many things going, too many balls juggling mid air, and something is bound to fall. How we handle those moments says a lot about us though. Do we make up excuses and paint ourselves as the victim of circumstances? It’s tempting, I know. Or do we own up to our mistakes and take whats coming? I don’t expect any of these mamas are going to be too terribly angry with me. The consequences of this mishap is really just my own pride, but how we handle the small things sets a pattern that will be repeated with the big things. Incorporate grace, love, and honesty  into the small moments of your life and that’s what you’ll have to draw on during the big moments of life.

Be always honest, upfront, and gracious. It’s quite becoming.

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Dear Daniela On Mother’s Day

Dear Daniela On Mother’s Day

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Love is All You Need?

Love is All You Need?

I’ve seen this video pop up twice, and both times didn’t watch it because of the length. Then I was on Dan Pierce’s blog and he had posted it, citing my same reason for him almost not watching it. I gave a little laugh and decided to watch the first 5 minutes and go from there. I’m not really a video-watcher, so it’s hard to keep my attention. But this one did. It’s powerful. And I don’t use that work lightly. I sobbed.

Truth be told, I wanted to share it with you immediately, but then thought of a thousand reasons not to do so. In the end, I feel like it needs to be seen. Parents, watch alone before watching with your kids. You know your kids better than I, so I’m not even going to attempt a rating. I don’t know that I’ll watch it with Daniela. She has a beautifully sensitive soul and it would tear her apart. Maybe in a few years.

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Because I’m Procrastinating

Because I’m Procrastinating

I am a procrastinator extraordinaire. I will do about anything other than what I really need to do. Case in point, I have this beautiful alone time tonight in which I planned on penning some thoughts that have been rattling around in my head. My writing time has all but disappeared lately and I went through great pains to carve out a few hours to myself tonight. Yet I can’t tear myself away from Pinterest long enough to write a decent sentence. I try, but then I can’t focus, so I run back to Pinterest for inspiration. Ha.

Instead, enjoy some humor. We all need more humor. Cheers to procrastination. May you always have tomorrow.

Via

Via

Via

Via

Via  Seriously, is this not the best ever?!

Happy Day Before Friday :)

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The Rest Can Fall Away

The Rest Can Fall Away

Last Tuesday Daniela and I went on a Mommy/Daughter Date. This doesn’t happen often during the week because of homework and theatre, but there was nothing scheduled after school, Marco was working late, and I didn’t want to make dinner. You would have thought I handed this girl a blank check. She was so ecstatic at the prospect of our date! 10 year old girls have a gift for showing enthusiasm and I was eating it up. I suggested she do some homework on the way to Barnes & Noble so we could at least get that out of the way, but she asked to do it later, saying “I just want to talk to you” awwww. heart melted.

We browsed our way through the bookstore and settled on a few books. (Obama’s Of Thee I Sing is fabulous. Our new favorite book, hands down. We’ve read it at least 5 times since!)

On our way to dinner, I handed her one of her new books because she usually spends the car ride reading after we leave the bookstore. She took the book, but continued to chat with me. We sat down at the pizza parlor, and I noticed she didn’t bring in her book. Normally when Daniela gets a new book, you can’t pry it out of her fingers. She reads in the car, she reads while waiting for the pizza, she is voracious. I asked if she wanted me to go get the book from the car and she said “Can we just talk? I’ve been craving just talking to you!”

My momma heart exploded with love and pride (and teensy bit of guilt!). After she went to bed that night, I thought long and hard about how my time with Daniela looks and it made me sad. After theatre gets out (anytime between 5 and 8 during peak practice) it’s rush home, rush dinner, rush homework, rush bedtime routine, rush sleep. I am more of a home manager these days than a momma and my baby feels that. Even at night when I lie down with her, I’ve been cutting the conversations short because it’s important to me that she be rested for her full days. We need a break from the rush. School is gearing up for finals and theatre is working hard toward their production, life at home must balance the chaos. It’s necessary and healthy.

This weekend is going to be my life break. Absolutely no work of any kind shall take place. No writing, no editing, no filing, no, no, no. This weekend (and maybe Monday too, if I can drag it out that long) will be for relaxation and family. I won’t stress about dinner; we’ll eat whatever is in the refrigerator. I won’t stress about cleaning; crumby floors never hurt anyone. I won’t even stress about missed bedtimes; she’ll survive with an hour less of sleep. I will make time for conversation and hugs and lots of cuddles. Remembering the important things this weekend. The rest can fall away.

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Step Parenting Conflicts

Step Parenting Conflicts

One of the biggest issues facing stepparents is the complex decision of when to stand up and when to step away. It’s a classic flight or fight and because of it’s broad application, it’s best to set up some helpful tips now. Rarely do these situations give an advance warning so that we can plan our response, which leaves us with oft times disastrous knee-jerk reactions. Especially when it comes to the other parent.

I was faced with just such a circumstance recently and while I chose to step away, Marco felt that I should have spoken up. It was nothing major, and I still feel like I made the right decision, but with only seconds to make that decision, I thought it would be beneficial to walk you through the thought process of standing up vs stepping away.

4 questions to ask yourself when faced with a challenging parent-to-parent moment:

1. Must this be taken care of now?
Sometimes the best thing to do when in a confrontational situation is to give it time. By allowing yourself the luxury of walking away, you not only keep yourself from reacting to the other parent, you also model positive conflict resolution strategies for all involved. While there are always situations that must be taken care of immediately, I’d venture to say 95% of them would benefit from a little distance and time.

2. Are the children present?
This should be a no brainer for every parent in the history of parents, but children should not be a captive audience to their parents fight. That’s not to say every disagreement must take place in a private spot, but we all know the difference between the disagreements that will resolve themselves in a sentence or two and the ones that are likely to boil over into a major fight. True story:  Marco and I sometimes role play small arguments just so Daniela can see us work through them positively. We want her to experience positive conflict resolution by our example. This is good for within marriage, but I don’t recommend it between blended parents. It’s just too easy for it to get out of control in front of the kids. Keep disagreements between yourselves.

3. Do I feel criticized?
The natural response to criticism is defense. In an already tense situation, responding from a defensive position exasperates the other party and causes emotions to quickly escalate. Make every effort not to respond defensively, but gracefully. This is probably the hardest thing for me to do because I speak before I think, but ultimately this is the one that keeps me from saying things I later need to apologize for.

4. Is my response fair?
Sometimes it’s very easy to be critical of the other parent just because it’s the other parent. It’s a natural trap to fall into, and one I feel that society sets us up for, but be careful. Evaluate the situation as if the other parent were a casual acquaintance and see where the chips fall. When I looked at my own situation from that perspective, I saw how my knee-jerk response was just because I disagreed with a  parenting style and certainly was nothing I should confront. My first instinct was to step up, but I am so glad I stepped away (figuratively, not physically).

I am an outspoken person with lots of opinions to share, which can often be taken the wrong way. Stepparents, when it comes to the other parent, it’s usually best to keep unsolicited opinions to yourself. And parents, the same goes for your communication with your child’s stepparents. When in doubt, let grace rule your tongue. If you still feel like the subject needs to be addressed, send an email. A well thought out email without accusations or blame will often keep the peace that a verbal response would annihilate.  And for the love of all that’s good and holy, leave the children out of it!

I want Daniela to look back on her childhood and have no idea that I ever disagreed with her mom or stepdad in anyway. She can experience conflict resolution between her dad and me, but as far as I’m concerned her mom is off limits. Children should never be put in a position where they feel the need to defend a parent. As parents, it’s our job to make sure our blended family relationships only promote love and security in our child. Because love wins.

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A College Story

I want to tell you a story from my sophomore year of college. The freshman year stories are way better, obviously, but this one stuck with me instead of fading away as beer fueled stories tend to do.

I went to a very conservative Christian college. Think of the stuffiest church you’ve ever been to and add a college to it. Skirts below the knee, no open-toed shoes, and those gawdawful pantyhose. True story, first week of freshman year I took a pumice stone to the top of my foot until it bled horrendously just so I could get a note from the campus Dr excusing me from the pantyhose requirement. The note was only good for two weeks, but I strategically changed the date so many times that it lasted me the whole two years I was there. Naturally, I majored in debauchery and canny deception.

Anyway, each Spring semester, there would be a campus wide Spring Cleaning. Now, it’s not the type of spring cleaning that involves chemicals and scrubbing. This Spring Cleaning was more of a spiritual Spring Cleaning. More students were expelled during the first 2 or 3 weeks of the Spring Semester than any other. This house cleaning, so to speak, made it very easy to get expelled;  too many “bed not made” demerits, doodling a voluptuous fairy instead of taking notes during chapel, staying at Cordova Mall past 5pm, visiting a Blockbuster — all of these petty offenses resulted in friends being expelled from college. Somehow, I made it two years. It still amazes me. (And no, I wasn’t kicked out!)

The spring semester of my sophomore year, I sat in the lobby of my dorm waiting for a friend. A girl down the hall had been kicked out of college the day before for sneaking a kiss with her boyfriend and I saw her there in the lobby, in the middle of all her boxed up things, looking lost, alone, and scared. Naturally, I watched her and imagined myself in the same situation. Her face was puffy and her eyes were terribly bloodshot, the tear stains still on her cheeks. She was barely into her 5th month of college, and now she was expelled. The front desk clerk walked over and somberly said that her father had just checked in and would be around to pick her up shortly. The poor girl burst into fresh tears and buried her face in her hands. I felt sick for this girl and wanted to comfort her, but there were strict rules against talking to students in the process of expulsion. I dared not risk it.

Sure enough, a dark SUV pulled up in front of our building and a middle aged man got out. He looked road weary and anxious, squinting into the sun to make sure he was at the right place. He walked around the far side of the car and opened the back, preparing to load all his daughter’s things back into the car that took her to college just a few short months ago.

That Dad, saddened, frustrated, and probably a little angry with his daughter, walked into our building carrying flowers. Freaking flowers, people! He didn’t lecture or glare like I’d seen a lot of the parents in that situation do, he tenderly handed his daughter flowers and held her while she cried. I could hear him saying “I love you so much” as I walked out the door, swiping at my own tears.

I never saw that girl or her dad again, but I’ve always kept that story close to my heart and felt privileged for having witnessed such an intimate moment.

There are so many things to take away from this story, but no matter the situation in your life today, live your story with compassion and love. It will make more of a difference than you will ever know.

 

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Parenting & Faith > Guest Post at All Done Monkey

Parenting & Faith > Guest Post at All Done Monkey

Today I’m kicking off a series over at All Done Monkey called Parenting & Faith; a series I am SO excited about! I have read Leanna’s blog for some time now and can’t wait to see the rest of this series unfold. There are so many things I want Daniela to take away from her childhood, but faith — a belief in something bigger than herself, is vitally important to me. Start reading my guest post below then follow the link for the rest!

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A Christmas Eve service excluded, my family and I haven’t been to church in a year. I don’t know if I’ve given up on church exactly, but I know that I wasn’t getting what I needed — and neither was Daniela, my 10 year old daughter.

Faith has always been the foundation of my life. Faith and dreadfully boring church services. From the time I was a small babe until I quit my Christian college, I went to church three times a week, at least. I know every Bible story by heart and can still recite most of the Proverbs. I learned the Golden Rule, but I also learned that God is angry and punishes unbelievers with an eternity in a fiery hell. When I compare that concept with the Christ I met in the New Testament, it just doesn’t add up. I can’t reconcile a loving, merciful, patient father-like God with this being that says “I give you one human lifetime to figure it out or I’ll throw you in the fire FOREVER” (Cue evil villain laugh). Click here to keep reading on All Done Monkey! 

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Rambling thoughts on time, money, and school olympics

Rambling thoughts on time, money, and school olympics

I originally wrote this in a collection of my private writings. It was never meant to be seen here, but when I was reading through some of them, this stood out as Learning to be the Light. The thought of posting about money makes me nauseated, but the idea is universal. There are so many ways you can learn to be Light.

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I’m realizing something. I think it’s been coming toward me for a few months but I just started to wrap my head around it. Sometimes I’ll understand it so clearly, and other times it just kind of floats around my consciousness — out of sight enough that I can’t grasp it, but close enough for me to know it’s there.

I’ve always been inwardly proud of the organizations I donate to. Organizations that I feel are bettering this world. Not proud in a public “look what I’m doing” kind of way, but proud in a more private “it makes me feel good” way. Whenever I feel like I’m not “doing enough” for God, i.e.: going to church regularly, I fall back to that monetary donation and remind myself that I’m giving happily and humbly. ** Sidenote: I don’t believe God speaks via guilt. Guilt is a form of manipulation and God speaks from a place of Love — Anyway,  Christ mentions several times in the New Testament that giving what you have to the poor is pretty important. Christ loved on the ones that were ostracized and hated. Like gays and Muslims. He was a cheerleader for the underdog. But here’s the thing, it’s easy for me to set up a small monthly contribution then stand back and reap the warm fuzzies. I don’t value money the same way other people do, so giving it away doesn’t stretch and teach me. And let’s not jump to the conclusion that I have an overabundance of money; giving is about the gesture, not the actual price tag. I’m naturally a generous person, but I’m much more stingy with my time. I imagine that if I traded places with the man in Matthew 19 ~ the one who asked Christ what he had to do to gain favor in the next life, I’m certain Christ’s answer to me would be different than what he told this man. Christ said “go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in heaven”. The man left crestfallen. Put me in that story and I’d be much more easygoing about the whole thing. You see, I don’t give away what I value, I give away what is easy. I feel Jesus showing me that yes, the money is good, but what about all that time I’m hoarding? If he told me that in order to gain favor in the next life, I needed to give up my alone time and spend every spare moment investing my time into others, I imagine I would walk away a bit disappointed, weighing the pros and cons. I’d probably even make a list. I’m big on lists. Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t enjoy volunteering my time — I do. It’s just that when it comes down to it, I’d much rather spend another evening watching Weeds with Marco than going to that small group I signed up for. I’d rather spend a lazy Sunday morning reading with Daniela than getting dressed and driving to church. Not to mention serving in that church. And since we’re being completely honest here, I can’t even remember the last time we went to church. Must have been just before last summer. Nothing intentional, it’s just easier to relax in pajamas than it is to get everyone out the door for something that isn’t mandatory. Like school.

This is what I’m making an effort to work on. Not necessarily the church thing, that’s another story for another time, but giving more of my time to those around me. Investing in others from the commodity I hold closest. I’m putting my focus on giving of myself. Relationships. Connection. Volunteering. Community. Striving to really live out the lessons we teach our children — even when I’d rather stay home and do nothing. Children learn by example, and I want Daniela to look back and see that humanity was important in the way we lived our lives. I want investing in people and community to be a natural extension of her life. Spreading love and Light. Namaste.

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Today wrapped up the Olympic games at Daniela’s school. ThankYouThankYouThankYou. She is a natural athlete and performed brilliantly throughout the two-day competition. Well, shot put wasn’t her best, which hurt because she’s practiced so consistently, but she was thrilled to bring home the blue for cross country; her favorite. And would you believe that my massive 16GB memory card hit capacity 3 seconds before she crossed the finish line?? Of course.

Blue shoes and a ribbon in her hair <3

I’ve got to say, when I saw that shot put hit the ground short of her average throw, my stomach sank. She cringed and buried her face in hands, but though better of it and smiled at everyone as she walked to the “non placing” group. It wasn’t a bad throw by any means, it just wasn’t her average either. Every fiber of mothering instinct in me wanted to wrap my arms around her and make the sadness go away; make her laugh. Distract her from her disappointment, but I reigned myself in. She needed to feel that. She needed the space to recognize her letdown and bring herself through it. I can’t always do that for her. My heart damn near exploded when a few minutes later her girlfriend walked over and asked if she was ok. Daniela tossed her french braid behind her shoulder and chirped “Oh thanks! I’m fine though!” and began playing with the group again. My girl worked through it on her own! I loved being able to watch that little moment.

I love the kids she goes to school with. Nearly all of them have been together since k-4 and are a freaking riot. She has been truly blessed in the friend department. 

 

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