(Re)Marriage: On Rules, Apologies, and Counseling.

June 8, 2013 by · 4 Comments

Marriage is tough. Second marriages are even tougher (or so we’re led to believe). Katherine Hepburn, the headstrong and beautiful actress known for her spirited independence once said, “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” I’ve wondered just the same. The logistics of combining two completely whole persons under one roof for the rest of their natural born lives seems daunting, but when you factor in ideals of love and sex and family, not to mention cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping, it’s a wonder marriage works at all. Now add on ex spouses and step children. There’s a reason that over 60% of second marriages (and 73% of third marriages) end in divorce. Source.

Marco and I are 8 years into my first marriage — his second — and after a particularly exasperating row, we found ourselves talking about what makes us different than those couples who married around the same time we did, but have since divorced. Tooting our own horns? Maybe. But mostly it’s the conversation we have when we need to remember why we are so dedicated to each other.  What follows is a sort of open letter to myself. I’m writing as much for my benefit as I am for anyone else’s so take it with a grain of salt. I offer you the three things that could actually be hurting marriages.

Disclaimer: I am not suggesting you implement these strategies into your marriage. They work for us, for now, but maybe they won’t in a year. Marriages are sacred and private by nature, and require countless acts of selflessness and hard work. Only you know what your marriage needs.

3 Things Hurting Marriage

1. Rules

Now, obviously there are the understood rules like fidelity and respect, but in my quest to control everything around me, I often find myself strong-arming Marco into agreeing to abide by rules “for the benefit of our marriage”. Rules like Don’t leave mad, or Don’t go to sleep mad, or Take 20 minutes to cool off and then talk to me about every single thing each of us said.

Many “marriage weekends” offer rules of marriage, and I think the majority of them are bogus. I was recently privy to one set of marriage “commandments” which listed not eating at a restaurant with a member of the opposite sex and not riding in a car alone with a member of the opposite sex. That sounds exactly like the rules from my Christian college and you know what? Marco and I got a good chuckle out of checking off all the “commandments” we’d broken. Lunch with my ex-boyfriend? check. Marco driving a female friend to the auto parts store? check. The list goes on.

Here’s the problem with that: we’re setting ourselves up to fail. Eventually, (and probably sooner rather than later) those rules are going to get broken and when they do, it will compound the argument dramatically. Think of a suicide vest versus an atomic bomb. When one of us breaks our self inflicted rules, the tone of the argument shifts from the actual problem to the new infraction and words become debris in a bombing; high speed projectiles maiming and killing all in it’s path. Forget the rules. Let him walk away. Go to sleep mad. Stop talking. Time and space will do more good for a fight than you realize. When you’re ready, just smile and pick back up like nothing happened. Which brings me to #2.

2. Apologies

I’m quick to apologize when warranted and I expect the same from my husband. Except, we’re not the same. He’s Marco and I’m Christi and we are each two totally different individuals who value strikingly different things. I love to hear him say “I’m sorry”.  To me, it’s an important part of an argument that says “I acknowledge that I hurt you, and I don’t want to do it again”.  Though he’s gotten much better at it, Marco’s not one to wax an eloquent apology. He’d rather just go on with life and tweak what upset me in the first place. He is not dependent upon hearing or saying “I’m sorry” the way I am. I envy that of him. I need to remember that I married an exceptionally smart man who is fully capable of changing behaviors without me directing the change. That’s the apology that really matters anyway. Don’t get hung up on words, sometimes the best apologies are the ones you see and feel, not hear.

3. Counseling

I’m going to tread lightly here because it’s delicate ground. I am a full supporter of individual and marriage counseling. Having a qualified person to help you work through issues can be an invaluable support to your marriage. That being said, your best friend, coworker, and mother are not qualified people. Spouse trashing is ugly.

Moving on.

About once a year, Marco and I have an argument that leaves us considering marriage counseling. However, neither of us are very keen on opening up our marriage to a stranger and letting them analyze it; it seems horrendously invasive. Then we take a look at ourselves: I was 20 years old when we married. He was divorced with a toddler. We’d known each other for 3 months. Statistically speaking, we should have parted ways 7.5 years ago. We both agree that trying to explain us to a counselor would be impossible. So we don’t do it. But the conversations about counseling seem to be enough. They refocus our energies on the two of us and what makes us special. It makes us a team again, and that’s pretty much the point, right?

Counseling absolutely has it’s place and the conflict resolution strategies are superb, but you know your marriage better than anyone. Listen to your own heart.

Since we’re on the topic, I’m going to go ahead and pull the trigger on my suicide vest from earlier. The vast majority of the time, church based marriage counseling is a sham. I don’t care how long that couple has been married and how many secrets to success Jesus has personally shown them through visions and whatnot. Unless they are licensed by your state, stay far, far away.

• Pastors are not marriage counselors.

• Small group leaders are not marriage counselors.

• Even church counselors are often not actual counselors.

While I genuinely believe they have altruistic intentions and sincerely care about you and your marriage, the church is fraught with staff who “counsel” members on matters they have no business talking about. Take, for instance, this situation: An educated, knowledgeable pastor who knew the intimate details of a middle age man’s drug addiction, sent him to a fresh-out-of-college staff pastor for counseling within the church. This “counselor/pastor” had never even smoked a cigarette, let alone managed any addictions. He was raised in a Christian home, he attended a Christian college, and he was freshly hired onto the staff of this Christian church. He had no business counseling a drug addict and ended up doing more harm than good. This isn’t always the case, of course, and the church means well, but this “counseling” is becoming an epidemic. When seeking help for your marriage, insist on a state licensed counselor. Lots of state licensed counselors have religious affiliations if that’s your style.

There are things that we think will help us, that end up blowing up in our faces. Marriage is too important to watch it implode without a fight, so take the time to nurture your marriage. Nurture your friendship with your spouse. And remember, it’s going to be hard. When you re-align your expectations, things have a way of falling into place. Friedrich Nietzsche said “It’s not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages”. Smart man, that Friedrich.

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Family, Love, Marriage
Step Parenting Conflicts

Step Parenting Conflicts

April 28, 2013 by · 2 Comments

One of the biggest issues facing stepparents is the complex decision of when to stand up and when to step away. It’s a classic flight or fight and because of it’s broad application, it’s best to set up some helpful tips now. Rarely do these situations give an advance warning so that we can plan our response, which leaves us with oft times disastrous knee-jerk reactions. Especially when it comes to the other parent.

I was faced with just such a circumstance recently and while I chose to step away, Marco felt that I should have spoken up. It was nothing major, and I still feel like I made the right decision, but with only seconds to make that decision, I thought it would be beneficial to walk you through the thought process of standing up vs stepping away.

4 questions to ask yourself when faced with a challenging parent-to-parent moment:

1. Must this be taken care of now?
Sometimes the best thing to do when in a confrontational situation is to give it time. By allowing yourself the luxury of walking away, you not only keep yourself from reacting to the other parent, you also model positive conflict resolution strategies for all involved. While there are always situations that must be taken care of immediately, I’d venture to say 95% of them would benefit from a little distance and time.

2. Are the children present?
This should be a no brainer for every parent in the history of parents, but children should not be a captive audience to their parents fight. That’s not to say every disagreement must take place in a private spot, but we all know the difference between the disagreements that will resolve themselves in a sentence or two and the ones that are likely to boil over into a major fight. True story:  Marco and I sometimes role play small arguments just so Daniela can see us work through them positively. We want her to experience positive conflict resolution by our example. This is good for within marriage, but I don’t recommend it between blended parents. It’s just too easy for it to get out of control in front of the kids. Keep disagreements between yourselves.

3. Do I feel criticized?
The natural response to criticism is defense. In an already tense situation, responding from a defensive position exasperates the other party and causes emotions to quickly escalate. Make every effort not to respond defensively, but gracefully. This is probably the hardest thing for me to do because I speak before I think, but ultimately this is the one that keeps me from saying things I later need to apologize for.

4. Is my response fair?
Sometimes it’s very easy to be critical of the other parent just because it’s the other parent. It’s a natural trap to fall into, and one I feel that society sets us up for, but be careful. Evaluate the situation as if the other parent were a casual acquaintance and see where the chips fall. When I looked at my own situation from that perspective, I saw how my knee-jerk response was just because I disagreed with a  parenting style and certainly was nothing I should confront. My first instinct was to step up, but I am so glad I stepped away (figuratively, not physically).

I am an outspoken person with lots of opinions to share, which can often be taken the wrong way. Stepparents, when it comes to the other parent, it’s usually best to keep unsolicited opinions to yourself. And parents, the same goes for your communication with your child’s stepparents. When in doubt, let grace rule your tongue. If you still feel like the subject needs to be addressed, send an email. A well thought out email without accusations or blame will often keep the peace that a verbal response would annihilate.  And for the love of all that’s good and holy, leave the children out of it!

I want Daniela to look back on her childhood and have no idea that I ever disagreed with her mom or stepdad in anyway. She can experience conflict resolution between her dad and me, but as far as I’m concerned her mom is off limits. Children should never be put in a position where they feel the need to defend a parent. As parents, it’s our job to make sure our blended family relationships only promote love and security in our child. Because love wins.

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Step Parenting Tagged With: , , ,
Blended Families & International Travel

Blended Families & International Travel

March 13, 2013 by · 2 Comments

I’ve been amazed at the emails I’ve gotten asking about the travel document I mentioned in yesterday’s post. Instead of replying to each, I thought I’d just address it here and Q&A the few that aren’t touched.

First of all, I am no blended family expert. I’ve mentioned this before, but we are a traditional family when Daniela is at home and I suspect it’s the same at her mom’s house. We’ve never had to deal with a lot of the problems that the majority of blended families face so I can’t speak for everyone when I tell our story. Daniela doesn’t remember a time without me or her stepdad in her life so there was never a real transition period for her. She considers her stepdad and myself to be just as much her parents as her mom and dad are, and I am constantly in awe of that honor and responsibility. 

When Daniela’s mom first approached Marco about taking Daniela on this cruise, they both knew that an international travel document would likely be required. When a child leaves their home country without both parents, the non traveling parent’s consent must be provided. This could be something as simple as a notarized letter, or something more complex like our travel document. You can find a lot of travel document templates online, but Marco is a cautious person and prefers to have all his bases covered personally. Lucky for him, he married a writer and I am often at his disposal for one written thing or another :)
I’ve facilitated travel documents in family mediations a few times so I was comfortable with what he was looking for. I used the same format that I would use for any Record of Agreement because that’s what I’m comfortable with, but it’s certainly not mandated, and parents my choose to write it however they wish. Here’s my format:

Marco also wanted to make sure that they had covered anything that might come up later. In simple, numbered paragraphs our travel document covered:

  • The itinerary
  • Passport
  • Vaccinations
  • Changes to the regular time sharing schedule
  • Telephone contact during the trip
  • International Medical Insurance

Both parents signed and notarized it, and Dani was all set for a fun filled Spring Break cruise!

One thing that made the trip preparation much smoother was that it was a closed circuit cruise, meaning that it left and returned to the same US port. US citizens do not need passports to travel on a closed circuit cruise, so there was not the issue of a passport to address.

Though it did not come into play with her cruise, I do want to mention that whenever you are traveling with your child (or consenting to your child traveling) internationally, it’s always wise to check with the US Department of State concerning the laws and travel requirements and/or travel advisories for your destination. I can’t emphasize this enough for blended families. The US Dept of State website has wonderful resources concerning traveling with children and an entire program geared toward the prevention of international parental child abductions. It’s called the Children’s Passport Issuance Alert Program. As scary as it is to think about, there are families who are living through horrendous ordeals of parental kidnapping. Safety plans are there for when they are needed. Additionally, there is a treaty called the 1980 Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction (Hague Convention) that ensures, should you find yourself in that nightmare of a situation, the signatory country will uphold the most recent custody order in the US and return your child to you. Because sovereign nations can’t interfere with each other’s legal systems, US family court orders are generally not recognized in other countries. The Dept of State website also lists the countries that have signed the Hague Convention so that you can make an informed decision concerning your child’s international travel.

Ok, enough with the heavy.

Traveling with, or allowing your child to travel, internationally is a privilege not many are gifted with in childhood. I was fortunate enough as a child to experience just about every state in the continental US and being able to pull on those memories as an adult with the incredible lifestyle diversity I saw right here in the US, has made me a vocal proponent for exposing children to the many lifestyles and cultures and religions that can be found all over the world. That’s the whole concept behind being a world citizen. I identify with world citizenship and try to instill in Daniela the concept of being at home in the world. But as parents, we have the responsibility to be smart about the decisions we make that directly effect our children. If your family situation does not allow for world wide travel, bring the world to them! One of my favorite websites for exploring the world with kids is Kid World Citizen. The world in your living room!

There were a few other questions that I couldn’t quite fit into this, so here they are in Q&A format. A few of the questions were not really related to international travel, but I liked them so I’m sharing them :) #bloggersperogative

Q: Was there an emergency contact plan included in your travel document?

A: No. If an emergency where to arise on the trip, Marco and I have no doubt that her mom or stepdad would be quick to notify us. Additionally, were an emergency to come up that incapacitated them, I’m sure the powers that be would be looking at emergency contacts from the cruise line’s paperwork, not our own individual travel document.

Q: Does the travel document need to be signed by a judge?

A: Nope! It’s a very simple way of showing immigration that the child has permission to leave the country without mom (or dad, or guardian) traveling with them. Ours was written in the format of a legal document because that’s what I’m most comfortable with, but it’s not necessary at all. The only thing it must have is travel dates, names, and notarized signatures for mom and dad.

Q: Did you sign her travel document too?

A: No. As a step parent, my rights are very limited. The travel document is strictly between mom and dad, and those are the only two signatures necessary. Of course, legal guardians may also sign if mom and/or dad are unable.

Q: As a stepmom, do you have a final say in your step daughter’s activities? Like playdates, trips, and sports? Could you have said “no” to this trip?

A: Hmmm, that one’s a bit tricky! First of all, no, I could not have put the kibosh on this trip. That decision is strictly between her mom and dad. If I, for whatever reason, felt it was a bad idea, I would have shared that with Marco but ultimately the decision is between the two of them. For the first part of your question, if it’s something that is strictly taking place at our home (like a playdate with a friend) I’ll schedule it without consulting the other parents (provided it’s during our timesharing and whatnot). Trips and sports are generally agreed upon between Mom and Dad specifically and my input is shared with Marco if I feel so inclined.

And for my favorite question!

Q: Is it hard for you to love a child as much as you do and not really be her mom?

A: Noooo!!!!! I know a lot of step moms struggle with genuinely loving their step children as their own, which is completely natural and okay. I loved Daniela from day one and I got super lucky that she totally loved me back. We’re kismet. As far as being her real mom goes, I guess it depends on your definition of “mom”. For years I struggled with how I identified as a mother and I finally had to come to the conclusion that a mom is many different things to many different people. There are people who will never see me as a mom, and that’s fine. There are also people (myself included, sometimes!) that forget that I didn’t actually give birth to Daniela. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to be any other kind of mom, but being a step mom came very naturally to me. That’s not to say I’ve always done everything right. Good lord, no. I’ve stumbled across emails I sent her mom in the very beginning that make me cringe! I was out to prove that I was good for the whole family and I came off like an ass, at best. I like to think the worst of my pride is behind me. But no, the love I have for this child makes it very easy for me to be whatever kind of mom she needs me to be.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I tried to answer as many questions as I could, but if I missed yours (or you thought of another one!) leave me a comment or shoot me an email and I’ll do my absolute best to get you an answer. And remember, I’m not an attorney. If you have qualms about your own blended family/international travel issues, it’s best to find a spectacular attorney who can guide you through your questions. That’s just not going to be me :)

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Kids, Learning, Step Parenting, Travel Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
Adopt A Culture

Adopt A Culture

February 22, 2013 by · Leave a Comment

You can find me over at Nomad Parents today sharing one of my favorite stories about step parenting. While you’re there, check out Lynn’s writing too — she’s phenomenal! One of my favorites of her posts is Me Time: Why It’s Important. Every mom needs to remember that.

Click on the photo below to take you to my story!

http://www.nomadparents.com/adopting-a-name/

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Family, Learning, Love, Parenting, Step Parenting Tagged With: , , ,
Sin = Ramen Noodles

Sin = Ramen Noodles

December 18, 2012 by · 7 Comments

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” - Tony Robbins

Sunday evening we were on our way to a Christmas light show when Daniela piped up from the back seat “Can we talk about God?”. Now tell me, who am I to say no to that? The conversation wound it’s way around until Daniela said this:  “I think of sin as Ramen Noodles. They taste really good, but they make your belly hurt later. Love is like fruit. It tastes really good and makes you healthier too!” I love the way she thinks. Sometimes I ask her questions just to see how her little mind works. The way her tiny mouth scrunches over to one side and her eyebrows knit together. You can nearly see the little wheels in her head turning.

She also asked how God could make the people of Israel wander in the desert for 40 years. She said it sounded mean. And I agree. In response, we talked about how humans do really hard things to make ourselves stronger, healthier, smarter and how wandering in a desert for 40 years seemed super hard, but they learned to depend on God in the process. Not to mention 40 years back then was a much smaller fraction of life span compared to 40 years now. That simple thought brought huge relief to her face :) String together her questions about God and I’m pretty confident we’ll get the 5th grade Bible curriculum at school. Ha!

But I’m enormously grateful for her inquisitive spirit. Not only does it keep me seeking truth, but it allows me to adjust what she’s learning in school Bible class. Marco and I think the world of her school and love the teachers there, but we don’t see eye to eye on many biblical aspects. When she asks questions, we get glimpses into what her 10 year old mind is challenging and that gives us such pride! Kids should be taught it’s ok to question things. Respectfully, of course.

This topic of questioning things came up Saturday night too. For the first time, Daniela questioned her timesharing schedule. Maybe questioned isn’t the right word. She has questioned it before, but this time she was actually debating it with a measure of frustration. Timesharing (the schedule a child uses between two homes) has divvied up her time with each parent since she was six months old. It’s a living, breathing thing that (thankfully) both families are good about altering when a special circumstance calls for it. This particular time, the requested change wasn’t possible — and that’s ok. Holidays are a tough time to make changes, but Daniela was frustrated. “But it’s MY schedule!” she insisted.

Marco beamed.

I’ll be honest, he may not have been *quite* as pleased to hear that if he were on the other side of the request, but he has always tried to teach Daniela to ask for what she wants and stand up for herself. He spent extra time that evening telling her how proud he was that she recognizes and takes ownership of her timesharing. He reinforced how much he and her mom try to always work the schedule out so that she can attend the parties, events, and trips of each family but sometimes it’s difficult and doesn’t work out. Daniela is a very understanding girl and her moment of frustration was short lived, but the questioning spirit will serve her well in life.

I think as adults, we’re expected to have the answers for everything. Accepting not knowing is something I work on daily. Daniela often says “Mama Christi you know EVERYTHING!!” and while I’m sure to a child it seems that parents do, I think children need to know that it’s ok to not have all the answers. Especially when it comes to God and religion. Room for “I don’t know” is important in teaching a child to develop a healthy respect for other ideas and opinions. I think the alternative, having a fixed answer for every question in life, leads to a closed mindedness that ultimately isolates. So bring on the questions, baby girl. I’ll answer them if I can and we’ll theorize together if I can’t. But never stop questioning.

****

Our weekend.

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Faith, Holidays, Kids
Six Alternatives to Time Out

Six Alternatives to Time Out

October 17, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Note: I did not write this post. Lisa, of Barefootbarn was kind enough to let me reblog it because, well, I think it’s fabulous. Especially #2. Whoamama #2 could change so much. See Lisa’s bio at the end of the essay to learn more about her spectacular practice and connect with her blog, Gems of Delight. Thanks Lisa! 

We’ve all been there – tired, stressed, juggling a million things in our arms and heads, and not in the mood for protests. But protests we get in the form of a tantrum or a slammed door. In an instant, we get hijacked by our “reptilian brains” and we say, “You’re in time out!” or “Go to your room!”

Screaming and crying, our children sit alone and isolated from the rest of the family. Maybe we feel a sense of relief – we can finally get dinner made or go to the bathroom. Maybe we are still seething and glad we didn’t do something worse. We may feel a mixed bag of emotions. But do we feel connected to ourselves and our children? Most often, the answer to that is “no.’”

When our children go screaming to time-out, we lose a sense of connection because isolation, punishment, and fear don’t work. They don’t encourage our children to be compassionate and confident. They don’t connect us to our children. In the long run, they don’t curb defiant behavior. And they just don’t feel good.

Why do we do it then? Maybe we experienced punitive punishment growing up. Maybe we are tired and already at a “boiling point.” Maybe no one ever told us there are simple alternatives that not only connect us to our children but also can prevent these stressed-out times from happening. Here’s where mindfulness and mindful parenting can help.

Jon Kabat-Zinn offers a beautiful definition of mindfulness: “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” As the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh says, “mindfulness is knowing when you are breathing in and knowing when you are breathing out.”

Mindful parenting is about bringing that intentional, nonjudgmental, moment-to-moment awareness into the relationship we have with our children. It’s about bringing acceptance and compassion into a stressful situation. It creates a pause, giving us an opportunity to wake up, see more clearly, and make a more informed choice about how we want to respond. On the days that you want to try something other than sending your child to time-out, here are some mindful parenting alternatives:

1. Get a hold of yourself first. The number one way to defuse a situation is to manage your own emotions first. When you are mindful of what’s going on inside of you, you are better able to respond to your child instead of react. The instant you realize that you are going into “stress mode” and the part of your brain that prepares you for “fight or flight” is starting to take over, put one hand on your belly and exhale to a count of six. Don’t worry about getting a deep inhale. Your exhales and inhales will synchronize. This sends a signal to your brain to stop sending out all those stress hormones and move out of “fight or flight.” Once you calm down, you have access to the part of your brain that is used for rational decision-making.

2. Offer a hug. This one often raises a few eyebrows, “But my child is acting up! Why would I hug them?” Offering a hug doesn’t reward your child’s behavior. It acknowledges that you and your child are not connected in that moment and it communicates that you want to reconnect. When your child is acting out, just ask, “Ahh, do you want a hug?”

3. Do something funny. Laughter is a release, gets us out of “fight or flight,” and reconnects us. It’s not about making fun of your child or using sarcasm. It’s about being silly, taking yourself less seriously, and de-stressing a tense situation. Try laying down on the floor and just start rolling around. Or sit down and start “pretend” meditating, chanting “Om”. Or even just start making animal noises. It’s hilarious and can get the two of you laughing…together.

4. Take a parent time-out. Instead of sending away your child, you walk away. Say, “I’m really upset right now and I need to cool down.” Go into the bathroom or your room. Besides the bonus of calming you down, taking your own time-out models self-regulation and appropriate self-care to your child.

5. Call a re-do. The second you become mindful that things are going south, say, “Wait a second. I see we aren’t connecting. Let’s start over.” This takes the blame off of any one person and focuses on the two of you reconnecting. Teaching your child to call for a re-do empowers them to be mindful of when they need to reconnect to you.

6. Give lots of time-in. Little doses of focused, undivided attention with loving eye contact and a caring tone of voice throughout the day fill your child’s need for your presence, embrace, and unconditional love. When you are feeding your toddler, pause for a moment, look her in the eyes, and say, “I love you.” When your young child gets home from school, stop what you are doing, look him in the eyes, and say, “Hi son. It’s good to see you.” No toy, activity, or privilege is worth more to a child than a parent’s loving regard.

These simple mindful techniques can reconnect you to your child, lighten up stressful situations, and curb defiant behavior. See how they can support the sweet, nourishing relationship you have with your child. Notice how they can wake you up, ground you, and connect you to your own heart and to your child.

 

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Lisa A. McCrohan, MA, LCSW-C, RYT is a psychotherapist, yoga and mindfulness teacher, and mom to two little ones. Her specialty is fusing Western psychology and neurobiology with Buddhist mindfulness techniques, a body-centered approach, and yoga movement. She works with adults in her private practice at Ananda Shala and with Spanish-speaking clients at Catholic Charities in Frederick, MD. Her passion is helping clients notice the gems in their everyday lives, discover what delights their hearts, and share it all with their families and communities. For more information see www.barefootbarn.com or contact Lisa at 240-422-7380.
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Filed Under: Blended Families, Family, Parenting, Step Parenting Tagged With:
Family Anniversary

Family Anniversary

October 13, 2012 by · 2 Comments

Marco and I love Daniela more than anything, but we are also pretty fond of our weekends when she’s with her mom. Random afternoon naps, morning Weeds marathons, spur of the moment destination trips. The freedom to connect with each other without any other little humans garnering for our attention. Over the last 7 years, it’s always worked out that Daniela was at her moms house on our wedding anniversary. Sometimes we go away and sometimes we just stay home — whatever feels most indulgent at the time. When Marco pointed out that Dani would be with us, he was a bit disappointed. However, it gave us the opportunity to change things up a little bit. Instead of a wedding anniversary, we were celebrating a family anniversary. And the truth is, when Marco and I married, we automatically created a little family. I didn’t just become a wife, I became a mom too and our responsibilities were centered around that tiny little 3 year old. Here was a chance to commemorate that beautiful family we became. Together we chose a restaurant with a great view, we ate delicious food, we clapped as the sun set, and we splashed in the surf after dark. We were no longer parents and child, we were 3 friends enjoying a night out and it couldn’t have been more perfect. In those tiny moments where Marco and I exchanged words with just a glance, it was thankfulness I saw in his eyes. And thankfulness reflected back. You could see the pride radiating from Daniela with how grown up and important she felt; she initiated the first toast and her words lit a fire in my heart. Not once did Marco or I wish we were alone. Not once did we pine for last year’s weekend away. We relished the conversation with Daniela and the silliness that slips out of her. The highlight for me was after dark when we were barefoot on the beach. The lights from the restaurant were glowing in the distance but we were the only people by the water. Marco held our shoes as Dani and I ran through the surf. At one point she took my hand and smiled. No words, just a heart stopping smile. While we were hiking up over the embankment to head home, Daniela whispered “I really loved tonight. We should celebrate our family more often”

She steals my heart. Every time.

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Family, Kids, Love, Marriage
Seventh Anniversary

Seventh Anniversary

October 10, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Tonight is the eve of our 7th wedding anniversary. I could go through the normal dialogue about how I can’t believe it and how time goes by so quickly, but I’m in more of a thoughtful place right now. 7 years ago I was an impetuous, lovestruck 20 year old college kid who proposed marriage to the boy she wouldn’t even call her boyfriend. We were nestled on the floor in a pile of blankets in the wee hours of the morning, the light from the electric fireplace throwing shadows over the walls. I quite literally pinned his shoulders to the floor and popped the question. The surprise registered all over his beautiful face and for a split second I though he was going to say no. But he said yes, thank God. We fell asleep on the floor that night giddy with anticipation and high on the idea of a secret wedding. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I knew he would be beside me the whole way, and that was enough. Sometimes I miss that bold, crazy girl. Marco and I took a walk around the neighborhood tonight and we reminisced about the young kids we used to be.

 One night a few of us showed up to the restaurant after closing and somebody had a motorcycle that belonged to a friend of a friend of a friend. Marco and I weren’t yet dating, though he was on my radar. He jumped on that motorcycle and smiled in my direction. Before I knew it, I was hiking up my little skirt and jumping on the back of that death machine. Me! The walking public  service announcement for the danger of motorcycles!

Marco and a friend showed up at the night club my girlfriend and I were at one Saturday night and coerced me into dancing with him ;) He was smooth, but I wasn’t going to be won over that easily. When the club closed, he pretended to be too drunk to drive so that my friend and I would drive him home. It worked, sneaky little Casanova, and I only slept 2 hours that night because I had to pick him up and drive him back to get his car the next morning.

 For weeks he woo’ed me into going on a date with him. Most mornings we opened the restaurant together and every morning, without fail, there were strawberries and whip cream waiting for me where I would stash my purse. He would crane his neck out of the office and grin at me as I ate them and rolled eyes. I loved it. His efforts didn’t stop with just me though. He turned the charm on my aunt when she would come in to pick me up too! But it paid off and I agreed to go on a date with him. I found out later he had been specifically scheduling our days off together, tisk tisk ;)

Seven years later, sometimes I wonder what happened to that girl. When I took on the role of wife and stepmom, I immersed myself completely in it and while I love my life and my family, there are times like tonight when I feel a little pang for that feisty girl I once was. Sometimes I worry that Marco misses her too. We talked about that tonight, Marco and I. He says he still sees that girl in me. She is my essence, he says. That makes me smile and I squeeze his hand a bit tighter. Marco and I didn’t grow up together, but in a way I grew up with him. I matured with him. I became, (eek!) responsible with him. And he loves me anyway. There were a lot of people who didn’t see our relationship lasting very long, and the truth is I would have been a critic too, had I been on the outside looking in. But Marco and I? We have too much passion to fizzle out. We fight passionately, we love passionately, we live passionately. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend or lover. He puts up with my craziness but calls me on my shit too. He is my best friend and my husband. How did I get so damn lucky?

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Love, Marriage Tagged With:
Awkward

Awkward

October 5, 2012 by · 6 Comments

Blended families are prone to awkward moments. There is really no way around it. Regardless of your role in your blended family, those please ground, swallow me! moments are going to happen. Let me tell you a story.

One day about three years ago I was having a super productive day in our home office. I rolled out of bed and headed upstairs and was just on fire with accomplishments. I was super woman. This lasted all through lunch and well into the early afternoon. About 3:30 I decided to take a break. I’m a big believer in spending a few minutes outside in the sunshine every hour, so I had some serious catching up to do. Now, when I said I rolled out of bed and went upstairs, I mean that very literally. We’re talking no make up, wild hair, and quite certainly bad breath. Tank top and blue Target pajama pants with little whales. Well, all of our neighbors (at least the ones in our cul-de-sac) work at these fancy get-dressed-up-to-go-to-work places so I wasn’t really concerned about a quick jaunt to the mailbox with the dog. I swung open the front and came face to face with Daniela’s mom. My husband’s ex wife. Now, it doesn’t matter that we’ve been married much longer than they ever were. It doesn’t matter that he and I are deliriously in love. It doesn’t matter that I am a super confident woman with great self esteem. When you run into the first wife, you want to look flawless. Needless to say, we were both beyond startled and just kind of stared at each other. I quickly realized how unkempt I was and did the only thing I could think of to do. I started coughing. (Bahahahaha!) Years of getting out school “sick” kicked in and I gave a performance worthy of an Emmy nod. She was just leaving some things outside that Daniela had brought to her house and was equally surprised/horrified to see me in such a slovenly state. She quickly apologized, wished me health and wellness, and was on her way. I shut the front door and found Marco, telling him that I ran into Daniela’s mom outside. He looked at me with a flicker of mirth in his eyes and said “Oh babe, come here. You look like shit”. I could not stop laughing. In the name of complete and utter vanity, I made sure to look extra classy the next few times I saw her.
Awkward moments are bound to happen, blended family or not, and the best way to get through them is with your head high and a good sense of humor. A glass of wine doesn’t hurt either.

Moral of the story

Happy weekend to you :)

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Women Tagged With: ,
The Name Game

The Name Game

September 19, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I’ve received a lot of questions about how I got the title Mama Christi, and since names can be such a source of conflict within blended families, I wanted to give you our story. Families are a living, breathing and ever evolving entity, so what works for one family may not work for another, but this fits us perfectly.

This paper airplane glided to a stop next to my teacup as I was writing yesterday. Yes, she is the sweetest child in the world.

Daniela has been very blessed in that both of her step parents came into her life when she was very young. She doesn’t remember a time without her stepdad or me and I think that’s just fantastic. I love it.

Daniela was three years old the first time she called me Mommy. I was completely taken aback. Half of my heart swelled with pride while the other half flinched. You see, I had made up my mind when Marco and I got married that I would be Christi. Just Christi. A few months earlier I had been with Marco while he was dropping Daniela off at her mom’s house. Daniela’s stepdad answered the door and Daniela greeted him with a big hug and a “Hi Daddy!” It was like someone had sucker punched Marco. I felt his hand tremble in mine and his steps were heavy walking back to the car. My heart just hurt for him. He put on a brave face and we talked all the way home about how lucky Dani was to have stepparents that loved her. And he meant it — every word — but the initial reaction was still painful. Even though Daniela has always called him Papi, it was a blow to hear his little girl call someone else Daddy and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t put Daniela’s mom in that position.

Well, that was easier said than done. Daniela quickly began referring to me as Mommy and each time I would explain to her that she had “one mami, one papi, one Christi, and one (stepdad)”. I would repeat it so often that it actually became a little jingle she would sing :) It didn’t, however, keep her from from calling me mommy. Marco encouraged me to let it go, holding to the belief that Daniela should refer to her stepparents however she chose. I admired his viewpoint, and the wisdom it took to get there, but I couldn’t do it. For months I sounded like a parrot, “You have one mami, one papi, one Christi, and one (stepdad)”  which left Daniela in a fit of giggles every time. It was pretty clear that my method was not working.

Around this time Marco’s family came to visit. It is a total immersion into Peruvian culture when they visit; the language, the food, the 10pm dinners, the cultural characteristics. One thing I noticed on this visit in particular was that the women in his family are all referred to as Mama-whoever. Mama ChiChi, (Marco’s mom). Mama Concho, (ChiChi’s aunt, who raised her). Mama Queta, (Concho’s older sister). I loved how these women took on more than just their familial roles, crossing over into mothering the children and grandchildren, all the while sharing friendships with each other and the 4 daughters in law. The love and affection Marco and his brothers have for the women in their family is like an aura enveloping the whole clan. It’s palpable. With this heritage in mind, I decided to try on Mama Christi for size; wear it around a little bit and see how it felt. Daniela took to it immediately. It wasn’t even something we discussed, Marco just referred to me as Mama Christi once over dinner and Dani ran with it. Even though I am not Daniela’s mother, I do a whole lot of mothering on that little girl and just like the women in Marco’s family, I cross over traditional roles to be a part of the village that raises this child.

As Daniela gets older, she tends to call me Mama when she’s speaking to me, but its always Mama Christi when she talks about me. I’m pretty sure it’s the same with her step dad as well. I’ve noticed through the years that she calls him Daddy when speaking to him on the phone and Daddy (name) when speaking about him. She just makes my heart smile. I told her once that she could call me just Christi whenever it feels right, but she scrunched up her little nose and shook her head vehemently. It seems she’s pretty partial to the name (and so am I) :)

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Filed Under: Blended Families, Step Parenting Tagged With:
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