“Baby, why are you crying?”     Marco, Daniela, and I were sprawled on our bed talking about the upcoming school olympic games, which she takes very seriously.

Daniela choked back a bigger sob and with tears now rolling freely, whispered “Because I’m a bad person!” My heart broke.

Daniela has never been very good at accepting criticism. It’s one of the things we’re working on. As soon as I heard her sad words though, I instantly knew how she got to that dramatic conclusion.

Daniela has a hard time separating her behavior from who she is at her core. If I were to tell her that she did something bad, she hears that she is bad. That drastically changed my parenting style, but occasionally something will slip out that I didn’t catch. Such was the case here.

A few days ago I posted some pictures of Marco and Daniela training for the various competitions. Marco is amazing with her. He coaches her with love and compassion, but she is hard on herself and gets easily frustrated. I just want to swoop in and remind her that it’s more important to be a kind athlete than to be the best, but Marco turns her discouragement into motivation to do better. Daniela can be fierce; she doesn’t like to lose and Marco’s competitive nature loves that spark. Meanwhile, I worry that Daniela will be so focused on winning, that a defeat will crumple her.

Daniela is what you would call a sore loser. Competition is highly emotional for her and when she’s ahead, her laughs and silly dances are infectious. But when she falls behind, her shoulders slump, her face falls, and her frustration is evident through her scowls and body language. She feels everything intensely, and that’s a beautiful part of who she is – a part I am still learning to understand every day. But I also feel strongly that she should be taught how to lose. Try as he might, Marco just doesn’t quite grasp this the way I do. His attempts come across more as “On the off chance you happen to not be in first place, (wink wink), be proud that you did your best. (Wink, wink)” While it’s good advice, it’s not exactly what I was going for :)

After they came in the house the other day bragging about a particular long jump measurement, I called a family meeting. I’m totally the downer, I know. Well, Daniela doesn’t respond well to criticism. Even the most innocuous remark can wither her in a flash. We talked about what a kind and compassionate person she is and how that should transfer to sports. I told her what a great winner she is, always proud, but never cocky. Then it slipped. I segued into the criticism with a smooth “One thing you could work on though, is being a good loser. Because let’s face it (insert giggle) you’re a sore loser!” Then Marco told a funny family story about a game she lost when she little. Which normally makes her laugh, but I had already done the damage.

Sore loser –> bad action –> bad person. 

Of course I immediately pulled her onto my lap and rocked her as if she were still a toddler. All I could say at the moment was “No, no sweet baby. No.” I apologized a thousand times and tried to help her grasp the idea that her behavior is entirely separate from who she is, but I’m not sure she really believes it. I tell her constantly, and I told her again that I would give anything for her to see herself the way I see her. Compassionate, smart, clever, and so very loving. She smiled that adorable half smile of hers and life went on, but it got me thinking about how fragile a child’s self esteem can be.

Alvin Price, author of several parenting books including 101 Ways to Boost Your Child’s Self Esteem, said “Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes in it to drain it dry.”

What scares me is that often its the adults poking the holes.

I recently volunteered as a Guardian Ad Litem and am representing the best interests of 7 (seven!) siblings. These children have been through a lot, and for obvious reasons don’t trust the adults involved in the removal from their home. My heart just breaks for them. I’ve made it a priority to spend a few minutes with each child just speaking life into them individually, praising their characteristics and encouraging their abilities. It’s our one-on-one time, and their caregivers tell me they look forward to it. One young girl in particular has really come out of her shell. She used to shrink away when I told her how brave she is, but now she lights up. She quipped, “I told my teacher I was brave!”

Kids believe what we tell them. When we believe in them, they bloom! They watch for our reactions and adjust accordingly. This is showcased beautifully in one of my favorite books, To Kill A Mockingbird:

“Scout, look!”

Smoke was rolling off our house and Miss Rachel’s house like fog off a riverbank, and men were pulling hoses toward them. Behind us, the fire truck from Abbottsville screamed around the curve and stopped in front of our house…

“Don’t worry, Scout, it ain’t time to worry yet,” said Jem. He pointed. “Looka yonder.”

In a group of neighbors, Atticus was standing with his hands in his overcoat pockets. He might have been watching a football game.

“See there, he’s not worried yet,” said Jem.

Kids look to us to form their opinions of themselves and their worlds! That’s a mighty responsibility to shoulder carelessly. They rely on the adults around them to keep them safe and let them know that everything will be okay. That they are okay. As adults, we need to be conscientious about the words and ideas we speak over our children! I read on Pinterest somewhere that the way we talk to children becomes their inner voice. I think that is accurate to the -enth degree. I have a fabulous inner voice. For real. My mom was very vocal growing up about raising me to be confident and independent. She instilled in me a self assurance that absolutely shaped my personality. In some respects I may be overly confident (ha!). But I credit her with building up the qualities in me that helped me slide into marriage and stepmotherhood without batting an eye. I wasn’t perfect at it, but I wasn’t second guessing my every move either. I was confident that I could add another dimension to Marco and Daniela’s lives and that we would blend as a beautiful family. And we did.

But how different my story would read if I had grown up with constant ridicule and jeering. The life and Light she spoke into me propelled me upward.

As life is wont to do, the cycle now repeats itself and I am responsible for the life I speak into Daniela. One of the things we have adopted in this empowerment journey is reading little quotes while lying in bed at night. Right now it’s this one by Jada Pinkett Smith on the backlash of why she would let her daughter cut/dye/shave her hair.

The question why I LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don’t belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self determination. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair…even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and desires.

This blew me away. While I believe that ultimately Daniela belongs to God, I agree that there is no person on this earth who should be making Daniela’s decisions for her. As parents, we are to teach our children to think for themselves, empowering them to be their own advocates. This has a boomerang effect too, for when kids do have a problem they can’t face alone, they turn to the people who have supported their independence all along. They’ve been taught by example that they can trust and depend on their parents.

I want Daniela to be confident enough in her self worth that she could dye her hair blue. Or green. Or even fuscia. I don’t want society to dictate what is “pretty” for her. If she feels good in leopard velour hotpants, I want her to rock those hideous things. Of course I will be taking pictures for future blackmail, but that’s beside the point :)

Another way we empower Daniela is recognizing guilt trips. She was very young when Marco started doing this, maybe 5 or 6 years old. He taught her what a guilt trip was, showed her how people use them to manipulate, and how to deflect them. She’s a pro. Every so often he’ll say something with even the slightest hint of guilt dripping off it and she’s all over that sucker. “Papi! Don’t guilt trip!” I can’t tell you how that warms my heart. People will try to use her, to take advantage of her generous heart, but if her life reflects all the value her adults have poured into her, she will not only recognize it for what it is, but she won’t let the ugly make her bitter.

Constructive criticism is a necessary learning tool in life, but should be used with caution on children, if at all. There are so many other, more meaningful ways to teach children and I don’t want to be the parent that resorts to criticism. I pray constantly that Daniela’s spirit is so wrapped up in kindness and love and compassion that mean spirited people wouldn’t even make a dent. The life we speak into our children ultimately becomes them. It’s imperative to make sure it’s nurturing their spirits.

“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots” — Frank A. Clark