It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.
You know the song, right? If not, take listen here. haunting and beautiful, as cliche as that sounds.
I found myself inwardly chanting this several times today. At odd times too. I woke up in the middle of the night with the phrase running through my head. Then again when I got up this morning (at 4:30am!!! ungodly hour!!) Later, I found myself whispering it to God.
again. and again.
it’s been one of those days. Involving a dead hedgehog. Don’t ask.
Broken hallelujah seems to be my battle cry as of late. Today, specifically. I’ve started this post 4 times now and keep getting interrupted. I don’t like to be interrupted when I’m finally sitting down to write. But, whenever I feel Wild Eyed Mama start to peek out of my calm and nurturing self I whisper it. It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.
Then I inhale.
iiiiiiiin and ouuuuuut. iiiiiiiiin and ooooooout. Very good. ooooooommmmmmm.
It keeps me sane in those moments of mind numbing frustration (and I have a sneaking suspicion that my lung capacity has more than doubled in recent months…) The deep breaths serve a greater purpose though. They get me to the point where I can reasonably consider what had me so frustrated to begin with and ya know what? Most of the time it’s just me. FREAKING ME! Me reacting to something that was never intended the way I took it. Shocking, i know.
Let me delve a little deeper here. Every single person is a divine and inspired human being put in place by God out of love. Every. Single. One. These divine humans, however, are not always pretty. In fact, most of the time they (we) are just stumbling through this thing called life and trying our damnest to keep our heads above water. Especially parents. Oh, parents. But see, God doesn’t expect us to get everything perfect on this journey we are collectively taking. He has grace, and patience, and He fixes broken hallelujahs for us. He makes our hallelujah sweet again, all the while knowing that we will most assuredly break it AGAIN. And he does this because of his profound and amazing love. Love that our human hearts just can’t quite wrap themselves around.
Don’t be afraid or ashamed of those broken hallelujahs. Those moments when you want to duct tape your kids to the wall (or kick them out of the house entirely) or when you find yourself praying that your partner will step on a lego in the middle of the night (I heard that, Leah)… just remember that there is a God who wants to fix those hallelujah moments because He loves you personally and individually. Then you breathe. deeply.