“Mommy, can we talk about college?” she whispered as our eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness of her bedroom.

“Sure, what do you want to know?” Daniela nestled her little head on my chest and squeezed my hand a bit tighter. My body settled in her bed just as my heart beat a little faster.

“Is it [silent pause] hard to make friends?”

Almost 8 years of parenting have taught me that when kids ask questions like this, it’s generally not because they really want to know if it is indeed hard to make friends in college, but rather that they are facing a friendship dilemma – in the here and now – that needs some attention. I’m just that smart.

I played along with her hypothetical for awhile longer, curious as to where it was going to take us, and it turns out I was right; just not in the way I thought I was. She wasn’t so much worried about college as she was worried about middle school. Which she’ll start in six months. Holymotheroftime. And it wasn’t so much making new friends as it was worried about losing the friends she has now to upper level middle schoolers. Cuz middle schoolers are just that cool, apparently. And if we break it down a lil bit further folks, it wasn’t so much about middle school friendships as it was about insecurity in herself.  Which breaks my mother freaking heart.

Before I continue, let me say that I’m not big on labeling kids. Smart. Athletic. Shy. Outgoing. They all narrow down a kid’s potential when childhood is the time to explore experiences that will eventually shape them into the people they become. That being said, I also believe that God gifts children with certain characteristics which makes it our responsibility as parents to see those gifts and fine-tune our parenting to fit them. Those two statements may seem contradictory, but I believe them both.

The most accurate way I’ve found to highlight Daniela’s unique giftings  is with a program called Discover Your Gifts by Don & Katie Fortune. I’ve done the program myself and found it exceptionally accurate. I first did it with Daniela when she was 7 years old and I’ve been floored at how it changed my parenting.

The premise is that people are gifted in these 7 main areas: Perception, Service, Teaching, Exhortation, Giving, Administration, and Compassion. These gifts can overlap and intensify each other, which is the case with Daniela.

Daniela  is very high compassion and almost equally high server and giver. One characteristic of a high compassion person is that of being shy as a child. So does server. When combined, you see that shyness intensify. For years she’s been labeled shy by teachers and random adults but Marco and I are diligent to watch our words to make sure she doesn’t ever feel labeled. The general opinion of people who work within these types of programs is that childhood shyness leads to insecurity as an adult. I work against that in every way possible, but every once in a while I sense insecurity creeping into her mind. I realize that learning how to handle one’s insecurity is a part of growing up, so I tend to focus on managing the feeling rather than downplaying it’s rationale, but it’s difficult to watch your child experience insecurity. Heart wrenching, really.  If I could have anything for my daughter, it would probably be that she could see herself through God’s eyes. That she could see past her own viewpoint and see the perfect, beautiful, amazing girl God has made her.

Last week Daniela brought home a bad grade. Nothing major, but it crushed her. She crawled into my bed and sobbed about how she felt dumb. Dumb! My baby!? I cried too as I held her little body. Marco and I don’t put a lot of importance on grades, neither do her mom and stepdad thankfully, but Daniela does, and that leads to insecurity when she doesn’t understand a concept. We turned that conversation around by talking about her drive to learn and how she can use that to be a better person — not just a better student. After all, not every child is going to do well in a grade based education. Grades don’t make a child — at least they shouldn’t. Compassion, empathy, kindness, generosity — those are the traits that should be lauded. Those are the things that make the world a better place. Those are the things that combat insecurity.

Daniela’s gift of compassion makes her proud. She lights up when we talk about giftings  and she’s quick to tell us when she uses compassion at school. That’s what I want for her. I want any insecurity she might feel to shrivel in the light of her gifts. I want  her to manage insecurity internally by bringing to mind the ways God has created her to love. Love beats everything people! Even middle school.