I’ve got some heaviness on my heart lately and I find myself fretting and worrying about possible outcomes and scenarios that will probably never see fruition. It’s part of my nature to have a plan in place — and that’s generally pretty good for life’s dreams and goals. But it makes it extra difficult for me to turn plans and worries over to God. It completely goes against my natural tendencies. There are so many things that I can’t control right now, that I find myself over-controlling the things I can. Like how organized Daniela’s room is. How caught up the laundry is. How perfectly level the curtain rod in the living room is. Silly little things that I would normally shrug off have become paramount. I know it’s an over reaction, but it’s my way of coping. That, and online shopping. Though one’s easier on the wallet (:
Through this Marco and I are learning what it means to be truly and completely dependent on God. And it’s freaking scary. I don’t like it. I’ve always been a big believer in God helps those who help themselves, but how does that factor in to two people who help themselves so that they don’t have to be solely dependent on God? Helping myself isn’t the problem — it’s sitting back and letting God work that has me squirming.
It’s a scary place to be when you are forced to trust so completely on God that everything else falls away. I snatch and I grab and I hold tight any thing or feeling or hope that gives my life normalcy. I waiver between sweet, sweet denial and utter hopelessness. I’m not the least bit dramatic (:
Regardless, I have faith in Gods timing. I trust God and His promises. I believe that He works miracles and I rejoice in His goodness. But still, in my heart I worry and I fret and I plan and I finally give it to God — only to start the vicious cycle all over again. But I think the most important thing is that I make it to that last step. Even if I worry 100 times a day, at least I’m giving it to God 100 times too. I’ve heard testimonies of people giving a problem over to God and Bippity Boppity Boo, it’s no longer an issue. That’s fantastic, but that’s not how it works for me. I give my worry to God again and again but apparently He doesn’t lock it up right away or something because next thing I know I’m back to the drawing board planning another way to handle the problem on my own.
But I’m moving forward, ever forward.